Two Little Sets of Feet

There should have been two little sets of feet in our house this fourth of July. There should have been two little sets of feet in a stroller as we pushed them to the parade. There should have been two little sets of feet, in two little car seats as we drove to my mom and dad's for dinner. And there should have been two little sets of feet in our arms as we watched the fireworks from on top of a hill out at Valley Grove. But there was not. The 4th proved to be kind of a hard day for us here at the Feldman house. I remember thinking last October when we found out that we were pregnant, and in fact having twins..."Yes!...I will finally have that stroller to push to the 4th of July parade!" Not kidding...I did seriously think that. Because while I do love parades...there is something about watching a kid at a parade that is way more fun...and I couldn't/can't wait to watch my own kids. And I know...the boys would not have been old enough to enjoy this 4th of July...but they would have still been here...and I would have still been enjoying them:) We decided not to go to the parade this year...not necessarily because the boys weren't here and I thought it would be hard, but basically because we decided to go to my mom and dad's house instead...and I think that was a good choice. I really don't think I would have enjoyed it much this year...who knows...maybe next year. :) We had a really good time at my parent's house...Uncle Doug and Aunt Suzi were there, Auntie Pearl was there, and Sam and Britt joined us as well. As always...too much food and too little room in my tummy...although it didn't stop me. My mom had recently gotten her scrapbook done that she had done for Emmalee...it was very sweet...she had put in her e-mails that she had written to people during Emmalee's time at the hospital...little updates...well that has served as a great recording of what happened...as I was sitting there reading them I had to stop...my stomach was just in knots and it was just sick...it took me right back to those days...and while they were with Emma, they were still very hard days. To watch your baby go through all that...to hear your doctor say that she is in very serious condition...to see your doctor look like he had just had a sharp blow to his stomach after realizing that she might not make it...it was a little too much to relive for the day. So I looked through the rest of the pictures and I'll have to save reading for another day. I know Jon felt the same way...and I think we were already having a hard enough day as it was...it just made us miss all our babies even more. We hung out at my parents until about 8 and then headed home. We decided to again watch the fireworks from Valley Grove...it is so neat up there....we actually saw about 8 different towns fireworks displays...obviously you could see Northfields the best but it was still cool to see the others...even if they were pretty small. And as I was walking out there...in the dark...I kept thinking to myself...I used to be scared of cemetery's and you for surely wouldn't have caught me in one at night. But there is something about the kids being out there (even though I do know that it is only their bodies and they are really in Heaven...I'm not crazy!) that makes it so much more peaceful. And then it was off to bed after that...one more holiday down with out the two little sets of feet.





But really...there should have been three little sets of feet...

(this is a picture I had my sister-in-law Britt do for Jon for Father's Day. It is God's hands holding all of them...Emmalee, Owen, and Cooper in Heaven and Jon here down on earth...I think she did a fabulous job...thanks Britt)

Due Date

The first question you usually ask your doctor when you find out you're pregnant is....when is my due date. When do I get to look forward to my little blessing being here. I remember finding out the the boys would be born right before Father's Day and thinking...cool...Jon will have kids by next Father's Day...I was so happy for him. Well, obviously we know what happened and it was not meant to be that Jon would be celebrating Sunday with two babies on his lap...it's been four months and 11 days since we held our little Owen and Cooper. Their due date kept looming in front of me...reminding me that I didn't have anything to look forward to. Some days though I am surprised at how fast this time has gone...God's grace again! My sister-in-law and I did go shopping today...in fact I just got back from our trip...it was a great way to take my mind off of today...sure we did go by the Carter's store...and yes I did go in to look and to buy a baby gift...and yes it's hard not to just buy something for "someday"...but I restrained and kept telling myself that they will still have cute stuff when I do get to buy it...someday:) On our way down I threw out the question of...I wonder if time would have gone this fast if I still would have been pregnant...or would it have dragged on because for one I would have been huge and two because you are just so looking forward to it that sometimes time seems to go so slow. Well I guess we'll never know but I do thank God that this time has gone relatively fast and that He is giving us the strength to walk through yet another valley in our lives....I am going to reach that mountain top one of these days:) In church on Sunday during our worship there were two songs that really touched me...one was Great is Thy Faithfulness and the other was You Alone...here are some of the lyrics:

You Alone

Verse 2

You have given me more

Than I could ever have wanted

And I want to give

You my heart

And my soul

Chorus

You alone are Father

And You alone are good

You alone are Savior

And You alone are God

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Chorus

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Verse 3

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

And as I sang those words I got tears in my eyes...God has given me so much more than I could ever have wanted...He never said that He would give me kids (although I still hope He does) but even if He doesn't I know that He has blessed me greatly and I am so thankful to Him. And He is faithful...He said He will never leave us nor forsake us...and I can tell you honestly...He has not left us...if He had...we wouldn't be doing as well as we are. We are sad...yes...but we are not destroyed by grief. Thank you Jesus...thank you for giving us the strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow! Anyway...well when I started this post I had just gotten done shopping...then Jon came home and we went out to eat at a fancy restaurant...that was fun. Now it's off to relax on the couch and just enjoy being together. Thank you for all the prayers you said for us...I say it every time but every time I mean it...they helped a lot and we really appreciate them! Oh...by the way...we picked out the stone for Owen and Coopers marker at the grave...I'm not going to tell you anything about it until it's done...but let me just say...it's cool! Can't wait for you to see it, but you'll probably still have to wait a few weeks! I know...I'm mean...yes...I am a teaser:) Well I'll at least leave you with a few pictures from out at the cemetery. Enjoy:)

Here's our little plot...Jon planted a little tree right next to where the boys' stone will go...and as you can see...there's another wagon full of flowers:)

This time though is a Radio Missile wagon:)



So pretty...and my mom and dad again made a temporary marker for the boys until we get theirs done...it turned out really cute:)

Knecht's Nursery and Strese Tree moving donated three trees and their moving/planting to us in memory of the kids...we put them out at Valley Grove in the new part that they are going to make a cemetery some day...we can't wait to watch them grow. This one is Emmalee's tree...it's a Burr Oak...it should get to be a pretty cool looking tree...these pictures were taken right after they were planted...I'll have to get out there now and get some pictures of the now that they would have leaves on them:)

Here's Owen's tree...Owen and Cooper's trees are both Sugar Maples...but different kinds...we thought it be cool to get two trees the same yet different...since they were twins (fraternal twins) and all:)

Cooper's tree:)

And look what I caught in Cooper's tree...a blue bird!

I don't know why but I thought this was a cool picture of Jon...he's caring all his hose...I don't know how many hoses' we had to hook together to make it long enough to reach and water the trees in the field:)

April 23rd 2009

It was Emmalee's Heavenly Birthday...probably her most important birthday! Sorry I haven't had time to get on here and post lately...it just seems like life has been so crazy this past month. I wonder if every April will feel this way? Anyway...just a little recap for you all on what we did on April 23rd. We started out the day by going down to Rochester and getting cinnamon rolls from Daube's Bakery. If you've never had one of their cinnamon rolls I suggest that you stop what you are doing right now and go an get one. Well...maybe that's not realistic (and after all what you're doing right now is reading my blog) but I do recommend if you are ever in Rochester that you stop there and get yourself one. I don't think you'll be disappointed. After that we had a few errands to run and then we went to Sam's Club to pick up cupcakes so that we could bring those up to the doctors and nurses in the NICU and Heart Unit. Then it was on to our big event of the day...we had called a few of the nurses to see if they would want to meet us for lunch at Canadian Honkers...and guess what...some of them did! Actually more of them wanted to come but they had to work! We were so excited to see them again...we are so thankful that Emmalee had such great people taking care of her and we will forever be grateful to them and grateful to God for allowing us to go through this so we could meet all these wonderful folks! After lunch...which lasted 2 hours!...we went over to Mayo and first walked in the garden...we sat on the same bench that one year and a day ago I sat there and told Jon that there was no way I could plan a funeral for my daughter and I certainly couldn't sit through a funeral service for her (that was one my rationalization to God as to why He couldn't let Emmalee die...I thought it was a good one...but as we know He saw fit to take her Home and He proved to me that He would be with me). Well as we all know, God gives us the strength to get through what we need to and He proved Himself to me. I got through it...and 10 months later I did it again. And looking back I still marvel at how strong I was...God is good all the time. We didn't sit on that bench for too long, as it was in the shade and the other one in the sun was way more appealing, but we did sit in the park for awhile and just talk. It was nice. Then we took the treats, as well as some beautiful and sweet blankets that my mom made for other babies that will have to be in the NICU or Mary Brigh 5B (the heart unit), up to the units in the hospital...we got to see a few more of the special nurses that helped take care of our sweet baby girl and then we left Mayo (St. Mary's). I always hate leaving there 'cause I feel like I'm leaving Emmalee's place. Since she never got to come home with us I always feel a special connection to the Mayo and I know Jon feels it too. We always look up to the window where her room was...even though we never really took the time to look out of it while she was there....but to us that's her room and I think we'll always look up at it. The rest of the day we just hung out, got some DQ, and watched Survivor. It was a good day. Here are the pictures from our time at Canadian Honkers (another place you should definitely try...their beef stew was one of the only things Jon could eat that actually tasted good to him while Emmalee was in the hospital):

Jon with Connie (in the blue) and Breanna. These two ladies took care of Emmalee when she was in the NICU. They even came up to visit her after her heart surgery. We love them!

Me with Lori (in the middle) and Becky. Lori was Emmalee's nurse in the heart unit and was definitely a strong lady for us to lean on! She was there for us so much and we love her to death! She's the one who convinced the rest of the staff to let us hold Emmalee while she passed away...she made it happen. Thank you Lori! Becky is actually Lori's niece and she works in the NICU. She was never actually one of Emma's nurses but she did help out from time to time and even helped Breanna decorate her room up in the heart unit!

The group picture! The only thing better would have been a high chair sitting at the end of the table!

Thanks for taking the time to read our blog and thanks for keeping us in your prayers. We still can't believe that a year has gone by. One more thing...since it has been a year now I think that I am going to change this blog over to one for Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. I had created the other blog to update you all on what is going on in our lives and just every day kind of stuff. I hate that that one had to become a "sad" blog as well. So I'm going to dedicate this blog to all of our "Feldman Baby(s)" and keep the Feldman Crew blog as our everyday blog (not that I will post everyday...come on...you know me better than that!). But I do love having a place to write about our babies and what I am learning through it all...so I will do that here. Thank you all again.

April 23rd

Well we made it past one year. I don't have time to post right now about what we did to celebrate Emmalee's one year in Heaven (so I will do that at a later date) but I just wanted to get on here and say thank you to you all for your prayers and kind thoughts for us yesterday. We definitely felt covered because yesterday wasn't a sad day for us. There were plenty of moments for tears and yet there were none. And that did feel good. We had a very good day, being husband and wife and remembering our sweet girl. And as I thought about it I thought...okay we've survived one year...I wonder how many more "years" we will have...

Did you find one of our balloons?

If so we'd love to hear where you found it! Please leave a comment for us! Thanks!

Emmalee's Party

Well...Friday proved to be a very good day! I think the anticipation of the day was harder than actually facing the day itself. Oh...there were a lot of tears...don't get me wrong...but neither of us were a blubbering mess. But...even if we were...could you blame us?! Anyway...I will just say it again. I can't believe that a year has gone by. I don't know how it went so fast. It seems like I just started the grieving process for my baby and now it's been a year. I guess this just proves that the grieving process can last for a while. A day still does not go by that I don't think of her...that amazes me...and I am being totally serious...not one day. It's not an all day thing but all of a sudden...there she is...I can picture her...what a cute baby she was:) Anyway...I'll give you a run down of what we did to celebrate Emmalee on what would have been her one year birthday. You can also check out her Auntie Britt's blog, as she wrote a very nice post about our celebration. So Jon and I woke up that morning and laid in bed and just talked about how our lives would have been so different had Emmalee still been with us. I know I mentioned it before, but Jon's comment was..."it's too quiet in this house to be celebrating a one year old's birthday today"...and it's true...it was too quiet. I think most of our tears came at this time...and truth be told...the night before. We decided against watching her video, as it just seemed too hard to do and we were trying to just get through the day...it's a lot easier to just look at pictures where she is still then to watch a video and see the life that she had in her...does that make sense? So we decided to get up...and go get some breakfast from the Tavern (which is a restaurant in Northfield for those of you who don't live around here). We ran into a couple we knew and had a wonderful time chatting with them. Then we took a stroll through Northfield and stopped in a few shops and then it was back home for us. We spent the remainder of the morning and early afternoon cleaning and getting ready for everyone to come over for a barbecue that evening. And of course...I had to make a cake! Well at 4:30 we headed out to the cemetery and all of our family met us out there. Jon has bought himself a huge kite to fly this spring and so we thought it would be fun to get a bunch more kites and have a time of flying kites together...and it was fun! I think everyone liked it. And I liked taking pictures of all my nieces and nephews getting into the fun. Then we did a balloon release...I had gotten pink and white balloons (thanks mom and dad for picking them up) and had printed off messages to tie to the strings...and if they wanted to I had markers out there in case they wanted to write their own messages...the kids drew some cute pictures for Emmalee to see. Then we all let them go at the same time...well...almost....my nephew Logan let his go early...poor kid...he looked like he could cry but he was trying not too...and then my nephew Jack didn't want to let his go...he wanted to keep it:) It was really fun to watch them go until you couldn't see them any longer. Then we just came back to our house...started a fire...fired up the grill...and had food and lots of fun. It really was a nice day of celebrating Emma. Then on Saturday we (my family and Matt, Chris and kids) took a meal down to the Ronald McDonald House in Rochester and fed the families there. It was hard to believe that a year ago we were the ones receiving the meal. It always feels good to give back! They told us to plan for 25-30...well...I think we had over 50! Good thing I always over prepare! It came in handy this time! Not too many leftovers this time around! And then Easter was on Sunday and we spent that with both of our families at the Feldman's. So it was a good weekend...a busy weekend. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, on Monday. Well...I guess that's all I have for now...I'll leave you with some pictures of Emmalee's Day.

The Cakes!

How high are they?!?

Jon's new kite! Isn't it pretty!

Uncle Jon trying to get their kite to fly.

Jack and I

Ready

Set

Off they go!

Can you still see them?

All the kids with Emmalee

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday our dearest Emmalee

Happy Birthday to you!

I'm sure the angels sing it much better than we do baby girl but we just wanted you to know how much we love you and miss you! We are celebrating your life today and so wish you could be here. Daddy and I layed in bed this morning and he said to me..."this house to too quite to be celebrating a one year old's birthday"...it saddens us that you aren't here to celebrate...to see the cake I'm making...or for us to give you your birthday spankings (and a pinch to grow an inch). But...we are rejoicing for you because you are in a wonderful place and you are fully healed and I'm sure you are having the best birthday...better than any party we could ever throw you! Hopefully your brothers are behaving themselves and not blowing out your candle before you get to! Your cousins are going to be sending you up balloons today with messages and pictures on them for you to see...hopefully they get to you! (Although I'm not crazy and I know they truly will not make it to Heaven...we just thought it would be fun for them to do.) Well...just know how much we love you and how much we miss you! You will forever be our little Emmalee and April 10th will forever be your day! Happy Birthday!
We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

P.S. God -- will you please give our baby girl a hug and kiss from us. Thank you! And thank you for giving us a reason to celebrate. Even if she could not stay here with us we just thank you for her life and all that she means to us. Thank you for watching over us this past year and thank you for taking care of our kids for us...your love is amazing!