5 years

Oh Emmalee...how can it be true.  You would have been 5 today.  Say it ain't so.  Tell me that that much time hasn't passed already.  We miss you so much.  Not in the miss you wish you were here sense (because we know you are where you are suppose to be) but in the miss and wonder what you would have been like...who you would have been.  What you would have looked like.  Who you would have acted like.  What would your life have looked like.  All those wonders make me miss you.  And make me miss the time that we had with you.  Those thirteen days were some of the hardest and best days of my life all rolled into one.  I can still to this day smell the hospital...for whatever reason I will get a whiff of it every so often and it brings me right back to the sink in the NICU...scrubbing with the soap and little brush and then using my foot to push the pedal to rinse it all off.  And then the smell of the sanitizer outside of your room that we would have to use each and every time we entered to see you...it all comes back to me and makes me think of you :)  You were so tiny and so so cute...you looked so big to me but in all reality you were tinier than any of your siblings that are still on this earth...you were only 6 lbs but next to all those other babies in the NICU you looked huge!!  When Charlie was born he was 6 lb 15 oz...almost a full pound bigger than you...and he was tiny!!  But after your surgery we got to get a glimpse of what you might look like at 3 months old...your poor body was so swollen from all the meds and fluids from your surgery.  They tried to prepare us for that...I don't think anyone can fully be prepared for what was reality...what the surgery did to you.  I am so thankful that we went through the surgery...we had to or you would have no chance at life...but looking back at pictures I wonder if you suffered at all.  Your daddy would say no...he fully believes that God took  you to Heaven the day you went in for surgery...that you were already safe in God's arms.  I don't know what I believe except for the fact that you were meant to go through what you did...we were meant to have you as our first born...and we were meant to share your story so that others might see the Love of God and the Strength of God and know that God is good ALL the time.  We miss you our sweet Emmalee.  Time has healed wounds but we will never be fully healed until we get to Heaven and receive our full healing...as you did on April 23, 2008.  Until that time we will keep missing you and sharing your story and living for the Lord...so that when we get up there you can introduce us to Jesus and we can hear the words "Well done good and faithful servant."  Emma...I hope you have the best birthday party in Heaven today...celebrate big with Owen, Cooper, and Oliver and all the friends that have joined you.  We love you and will celebrate you today.  When I asked Natalee whose birthday it was today she pointed to your picture on the wall and said "my baby Emma's!"  That made my heart glad.  She knows who you are and she's pretty sure that you'll be in her tummy someday :) hahaha!  We all know that won't happen but if she chooses to name her first girl after you well then I think that would be pretty cool.  Again my sweet girl...Happy Birthday...we love and miss you.  Always.

Love
Mommy

This is one of my favorite pictures of you!!  You looked so cozy...even with all those tubes...like you were sunbathing on a beach :)  If you were still with us on Earth you would have had snow on your 5th birthday!!  Crazy! 

My Sweet Boys

Four years have passed...four years since I've held your tiny bodies...four years since I've heard your little squeaks...four years since I've seen your little chests breathing your first and last little breaths...four years since I've seen your little heartbeats beating in your chests...four years since I've felt the warmth of your little bodies...four years since I've kissed your little heads...but not four years since I've last thought about you...wondered about you...and thanked God for your little lives.  Ahhh...can it really be four years today?!  As I think back to that terrible night, feeling so scared and ultimately knowing in my heart of hearts what was going to happen and trying to wish and pray it away, I still wonder why it had to be that way...why my body just gave out on carrying you two...why it couldn't have been just a few weeks later when you would have had a chance at life outside the womb...I know my questions will never be answered this side of Heaven and that's okay...but I also want you to know that I also feel such joy that I was able to meet you the morning of February 8, 2009...that you were born so alive and that God was so present with us that morning and still is near...even four years later.  I can't even begin to imagine with my earthly mind what you two have been able to experience in your lives already...what Heaven must really be like...I can only imagine that it is amazing!! And I can only imagine that I'm the one missing you and not the other way around...you are in the arm of our Heavenly Father, the one who loves you (and ALL of us) the most.  Your momma's arms ache for you but my arms are nothing compared to His...I can't wait to be held by Him too :)  Happy Earthly and Heavenly Birthday to the two cutest twin sons this momma could of ever had and has ever seen.  I miss you so much and long for the day that I get to be with you again.  It does bring me such joy (and sometimes sorrow) to know that you have your sister Emmalee and Oliver too along with many friends...Porter, Morgan, Gage, Matthew, John, Emma, Myah, Danny, Billy, Elaina, Hope, Gus, Halen, Audrey, Grace, Abby (and I'm sure I am missing some) to play with and run around Heaven with.  We have made so many connections with friends down here because of you and  your siblings...we have joined a club down here that none of us parents ever wanted to be a part of...but we are here and it is so nice that we do have each other to lean on and learn from.  So my beautiful boys...I love you.  I miss you.  Always.

Love
Mommy

Four years

Oh my sweet Emmalee. How can it be four years already? For some reason I have been anticipating this day coming for awhile and now it is finally here....you would have been four years old today! It is so bittersweet...for I know that you are fully healed and running and playing and praising Jesus in Heaven but I think of all that we have missed out on here with you and all that we would have been doing. At four you would be so independent not needing your momma to help you get dressed or helping you with anything probably! And we would have been looking into preschools for you to go to next year and you would be riding a bike. I'm sure my refrigerator would be covered in drawings and if you were anything like me I would be finding you little containers to collect all your "treasures" in :) Or...maybe you would be recovering from another surgery and maybe your heart would be so weak that you couldn't run outside and maybe we'd still be praying for your miracle of complete healing. It's thoughts like that that keep me going, knowing you are right where you belong...no matter how much I miss you! Oh Emmalee, you came into this world as a tiny 6 pound baby four years ago at 3:16 p.m. and you stole all our hearts...especially your mommas (and your daddy's!) and we miss you so! But we know that God had bigger plans for you and your short, sweet life and we give him praise all the time for you (and all your brothers!) and we are so grateful that we even got a chance to know you! When we first heard of your heart condition the doctors weren't even sure that we would get to meet you ever but you were a fighter and you came out strong and ready to live! We treasure ever day, hour, minute and second that you were here with us and we can not wait to be reunited with you again! But until then we will continue to tell others about you and about the awesome God that we served...the God that gave us you and the God that performed many miracles in your life...and the God that ultimately healed you and brought you to live with Him forever...and the God that is holding you now until we can again! God is good all the time! Emmalee, Happy Birthday sweet baby girl! We love you!!!

Momma

Feb. 8, 2012

My Dear Owen and Cooper-

It does not even seem possible that it has been three years since we briefly met on this earth. I still remember the day of your birth like it was yesterday. I was so sad that day because I was so not ready to be done carrying you. I had just started to feel you move inside of me and I cherished every kick and wiggle that I felt. I was so sad because I knew that you were not going to be staying with me...I was not going to get to watch you grow up...your dad wouldn't have two little helpers...I was just so sad. But the moment you were born I had this complete joy as I watched both of you take your teeny tiny breaths on my chest and I could see your little chests going up and down and see your little hearts just beating...those 19 minutes for you both (I still can't believe you both lived 19 minutes) were minutes I will never forget as long as I live. And as sad as I was I knew that you were going to be fine...you were going to be joining your big sister in Heaven and you were going to be held in the arms of Jesus...it doesn't get any better than that :) But on your birthday I just wanted to tell you that I still miss you and I love you. You will always have a piece of my heart until I am made whole again...when we meet again...in Heaven :) And I am sure that you are all too busy to be checking in on your momma down here but me and your daddy are doing good...your sister Natalee and your brother Bennett keep us really busy and we can't wait until they get old enough for us to tell them about you two and Emmalee and Oliver. And...we are going to be getting another sibling for you in April...how cool is that?!?! Pretty cool! :) Well I will wrap this letter to you up and hope that you had a great birthday in Heaven...I can't wait to get up there and try the cake :) I bet it is AMAZING!!

I love you two...until we meet again!
Mommy

April 23, 2011

Oh my dear Emmalee...you've been gone from us for 3 years now. I still can't believe it. I have so much to say and I am so tired tonight. We celebrated your life all day today and talked about what we were doing 3 years ago...and we reflected on all the memories we made with you. You are always in our hearts and always on our minds...we miss you sweet baby girl...Heaven was already a wonderful place but now that you are there I long for it even more :) I'll write more later on all that we did today and all the emotions that went into it...but for now I am tired and I got to get ready for bed...tomorrow is Easter...and I can't believe that you get to spend the day with the King of Kings...

I love you...and always will!
Mommy

My Dearest Emmalee:

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! I'm pretty sure that I was up this early the day of your birth too...if not even earlier. Just knowing you were coming was enough to make it hard to sleep...let alone the fact that I was huge and uncomfortable :) Oh Em, how I miss you so. You would have been 3 today...I can't believe that. It seems like it's gone so fast and so slow all at the same time. I woke up this morning with such a heavy chest...I had a dream we were back in the hospital but this time we were just there to visit and someone else was losing their baby...and I knew exactly how they felt...and when I woke up my chest hurt so bad...I must have been really tense while I was dreaming it...and then the tears came...and they are still coming. Three years is a lot of time and a lot of healing has been done, but three years is also so short and the hurt is still there...I can't wait to see you in Heaven so I can see what you would have looked like...what you would have sounded like...what your personality would have been like. I bet you would have been really sweet with a streak of stubbornness in you :) A good mix of your momma and daddy! hahaha! Just kidding! But wait I will and that time will go fast I'm sure...and Em...as much as I miss you I'm so glad that you are up there and that you are perfect and healed...I really think that your life here would have been so hard and so filled with trips to the doctor and hospital to have more surgeries...and I'm so glad that you don't have to worry about that...'cause can I tell you a secret...your momma is a worrier...I know that we are not suppose to be and I really try hard not to but worry is definitely one of my downfalls...and I was so worried that you would be 10 years old and that you would be worried about your heart all the time...worried that it would give out on you (and now from what I've read, heart transplants aren't out of the question for kids with hypoplastic left hearts...as they get older a lot of them end up needing them)...and I didn't want that for you...I wanted you to live your life without worries...without a care in the world...and even though I would wish you back in a heartbeat...it does me good knowing that you never for one second had to worry in your life...because worrying is a bad feeling. And it does me good knowing that you have lots of friends and family up there to play with...we've lost a lot of good people in the 3 years that you've been gone and every time I wonder..."have they met Emmalee yet?"...and I also bet that you are doing a good job keeping your brothers in line too...make sure to give Owen and Cooper a big hug from mommy and daddy. Well my sweet girl I better wrap up this letter. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I miss you. And to let you know that you are never far from my mind. Three years ago was one of the happiest days of my life...when you entered it at 3:16 p.m. my whole life change...in a good way. You've touched a lot of peoples lives little girl and I know there are many waiting to meet you some day. We are going to celebrate your life again today by flying our kites and releasing our balloons...if you get a second you might want to look down and see...it will be pretty...but I know you are probably having too good of a time up there to check in on us :) Happy Birthday again my sweet Emmalee...you are loved!

Love

Mommy (and Daddy and Natalee)

This was you...all fresh and new. This is one of my favorite (well they are all my favorite) pictures of you...it was the first time I really got to see you because after I pushed you out they said "open your eyes" and so I did and they held you up real quick and then they were taking you out of the room already...you were so beautiful even with the goop still on your head...and little did we know at the time this picture was taken what the next 13 days would hold...which is a good thing...right here in this picture was bliss...after this the roller coaster ride started...but I love in this picture how you looked like you were saying "hi dad...I'm here!" So sweet Emmalee. We love you.

To: My Sweet Boys

It doesn't seem possible that 2 years ago today I said hello and good-bye to you all in a very short 38 minutes total. I can't even put into words how I even feel about that. Those 19 minutes that I had with each of you has left me with a lifetime of memories...not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you would have looked like, what you would be doing now, what your personality would have been like, what my house would have looked like with 2 trouble makers running around, how different our lives would have been...I could go on and on and on...but obviously you weren't meant to stay...God had your days numbered before you were even conceived and you lived exactly the number of days in my tummy that you were suppose to and the exact number of minutes on this earth too! And now you're in the glorious presence of Jesus and all of us here are a little jealous :) The one good thing is that I don't have to worry about you...I know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus and you will be there to greet me when my number of days on earth are done...which I told your daddy will be before his are 'cause I'm tired of burying people...so we agreed we'd go together so we will both get to see you two at the same time :) haha! You two will always be my sweet baby boys and my heart will always have a little piece missing from it...that is until we meet again and all will be made right and whole again...it will be at that time that your daddy and me will have our complete healing! :) So happy birthday to my boys...I hope Heaven has the biggest cake for you today...I love you and can't wait to hold you again...give Emmalee a hug from me too...and until we meet again...

I love you!

Mommy